


O Fortuna

by mtjester



Series: Contractstuck [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons, Demonstuck, Illustrations, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 02:46:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4547196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtjester/pseuds/mtjester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Welcome to the agency.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work is connected to my contractstuck au on tumblr [(found here).](http://mtjester.tumblr.com/tagged/contractstuck)


	2. Chapter 2

JOHN: so wait let me get this straight  
JOHN: you’re all demons?

KANAYA: Im Not 

KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL, JOHN, WERE YOU EVEN LISTENING? 

ROSE: John, Kanaya is very obviously human, and Dave is glowing in a suspiciously angelic manner that should be enough in itself to hint towards a difference in status. 

JOHN: okay, so what’s dave, then? 

KARKAT: DAMN IT, WHY DID I GET THE DUMB ONE? 

JOHN: hey, that’s a reasonable question! it’s not like you gave us any real introduction to all this. you just popped out of a piece of paper like a genie!  
JOHN: you can’t blame us for taking a few minutes to understand what’s going on. 

JADE: i think hes an angel john! 

DAVE: shit what gave it away 

JADE: hehehe :D 

JOHN: wait, but...what’s an angel doing hanging out with a bunch of demons? 

DAVE: my best 

ROSE: Demons and angels aren’t nearly as different or divided as human lore tends to make us seem.  
ROSE: We are in fact the same manner of being. 

KARKAT: IT’S NOT SOME NOVEL CONCEPT. ANGELS, FALLEN ANGELS, THEY’RE THE SAME THING. 

ROSE: More or less. Our status as angel or demon is closer to what humans would consider an alliance or, more crudely, a job.  
ROSE: So much so that we can change our status if we follow the proper procedures. 

KARKAT: FUCKING ‘SUPPOSEDLY’!  
KARKAT: MAYBE IF YOU’RE AN ANGEL LOOKING TO SPICE IT UP WITH SOME SAUCY SINNING, IT’S THAT CUT AND DRY, BUT TRY TO TRANSFER FROM HELL TO HEAVEN AND SUDDENLY EVERYTHING TAKES A COUPLE FUCKING CENTURIES TO PROCESS. 

ROSE: Yes, well, Hell is far less picky than Heaven about its representatives in the mortal realm, and our Lord isn’t nearly as concerned about the rules except in cases he can twist to benefit himself. 

KARKAT: LET’S NOT EVEN TALK ABOUT HIM. SERIOUSLY, FUCK THAT GUY. 

ROSE: Agreed. 

JOHN: okay, so demons and angels are actually the same thing.  
JOHN: but then why do you look different? 

ROSE: For the benefit of humans.  
ROSE: When we deal with humans, we want to make it perfectly clear what our intentions are, or we risk committing fraud. 

JADE: committing fraud? 

DAVE: yeah you know  
DAVE: if a demon decked out like some kind of holy beacon of purity sidles up to a human and offers a contract the human is probably gonna get the wrong idea  
DAVE: and that demon probably isnt thinking oh hell yeah i cant wait to enter into an honest and mutually beneficial partnership with this human  


ROSE: Deception of this kind is against our laws. It’s not necessarily true that we can’t tell lies, but in this case, it is forbidden. The terms and conditions of a contract between humans and beings of demonic or angelic persuasion must at all times be clear to both parties. 

JOHN: so wait a minute...  
JOHN: then didn’t you break your own laws by tricking us into signing those contracts? 

JADE: oh! yeah!!!  
JADE: what gives? 

ROSE: Yes, we did.  
ROSE: Kanaya, if you would please explain? 

KANAYA: We Unlawfully Deceived You Into Signing These Contracts For Two Reasons  
KANAYA: The First Of Which Was To Engage In An Act Of Sin To Feed Rose  
KANAYA: Which Is Also Consequently Why Shes Glowing In Case That Wasnt Clear By Now  
KANAYA: Thats What Demons Do When They Suck Up The Negative Energy Humans Produce When They Experience Negative Emotions Like Fear Or Understandable Resentment 

JOHN: demons eat negative emotions? 

ROSE: That's the easiest way for humans to understand it, yes.  
ROSE: We draw strength and sustenance from negative energy, as Kanaya said.  
ROSE: Consider it our "payment" for doing our job. 

JOHN: is that why karkat's glowing? 

KARKAT: NICE DEDUCTION, EINSTEIN.  
KARKAT: LOOK AT THIS, WE'RE ALREADY OFF TO A GOOD START.  
KARKAT: YOU JUST SIGNED YOUR CONTRACT AND YOU'RE ALREADY FEEDING ME. 

KANAYA: Your Own Emotions Contribute To Your Demons Feeding As Well As The Emotions Of Others  
KANAYA: So Your Shock And Uncertainty Coupled With My Guilt For Deceiving You Are Working Together To Benefit Both Rose And Karkat 

JADE: but daves not glowing! 

DAVE: well yeah itd look kind of bad if an angel got off on the suffering of others  
DAVE: were more into the positive emotion spectrum 

ROSE: Angels, because of their alliance to Heaven, receive their "payment" from good deeds rather than bad.  
ROSE: Joy, exuberance, charity, gratitude, kindness, love. These are the emotions you should strive to spread to strengthen your bond with Dave. 

JADE: oh that sounds much nicer than the demon version!  
JADE: so lets say i really love horticulture and it makes me really happy... 

DAVE: yeah thatd work  
DAVE: grab your rakes and spades were gonna do some mad gardening and fucking enjoy the shit out of it 

JADE: yeah!! :D 

ROSE: You can work out your feeding plans and philosophies on your own time. Karkat and Dave are both familiar with what acts of sin or grace are and are not allowed according to our business model. Which brings us to our next point.  
ROSE: Kanaya, please continue. 

KANAYA: The Second Reason We Tricked You Into Signing Illegal Contracts Is Because These Contracts Arent Meant To Function As Personal Partnerships  
KANAYA: Dave And Karkat Are Supposed To Be Your Professional Partners As Members Of This Agency  
KANAYA: Since As Humans You Cant See Or Interact With Supernatural Beings Without The Help Of Other Supernatural Beings  
KANAYA: The Illegal Nature Of The Contracts Enables Us To Nullify The Contracts At Any Point In Time Such As If You Are Fired Or If You Choose To Pursue Employment Elsewhere  
KANAYA: Since We Are A Supernatural Law Office Contesting Issues Like Contract Fraud Or Misrepresentation Is Part Of What We Do So It All Works Out In The End 

JADE: so if we dont want to have a demon partner we can nullify the contract? 

KANAYA: Yes Technically  
KANAYA: But You Would Have To Quit As Well  
KANAYA: And Your Partner Is Actually An Angel So You Dont Really Have Anything To Complain About 

JOHN: okay, why does jade get to have an angel and i'm stuck with the demon?  
JOHN: it's starting to sound like she's got it easy! 

KARKAT: BECAUSE FUCK YOU IS WHY. 

KANAYA: Uh Youll Have To Ask Rose About That 

ROSE: I chose both of you to hire into our agency and assigned you your partners based on my own judgment of the most favorable outcome for our collective futures and the future of this business.  
ROSE: This is my specialty as a demon. I am a demon of luck, particularly skilled in ascertaining the favorability of actions and their outcomes.

ROSE: The Rota Fortunae is always spinning, and only those of us gifted with the magic of luck can see its turning spokes and influence the outcome of its rotation.  
ROSE: Using this gift, I assist my human in her endeavors.  
ROSE: Supernatural beings of our nature do not simply follow our humans around soaking up the energies created by humans and their myriad experiences. We each have powers to lend to our wards, and we use those powers in their favor.  
ROSE: And since you both have now signed contracts with your own supernatural being, consider these powers part of your benefits package. 

JOHN: so...i’m supposed to just believe that my partnership with karkat is going to bring me good fortune because you say so, even though you’re both demons? 

ROSE: Yes. I would lose more than I would gain by directly introducing more negativity into your life.  
ROSE: You are both our employees now. We need your trust and cooperation.  
ROSE: Besides, Kanaya and I prefer to meet the requirements of our contract by fucking over our clients financially. 

JOHN: oh. okay then. 

JADE: so in that case what are your powers dave? 

DAVE: oh shit yeah  
DAVE: im a time guy

DAVE: the wheels of time are always spinning and only those of us who can tell time can read its metaphysical clock face and pop out the right gears when shit hits the fan  
DAVE: sorry i dont know the bullshit latin name for the time wheel  
DAVE: hey rose whats the time wheels bullshit latin name 

ROSE: It doesn’t have a proper name in Latin, because clocks that make use of turning cogs did not exist in antiquity.  
ROSE: Although the Rota Fortunae also referred to the celestial sphere that held the zodiac, which may have some implications for the passage of time, if you want to refer to something with a bullshit Latin name. 

DAVE: man i dont wanna steal your schtick though 

ROSE: Looks like you’ll just have to make do with the less elegant “wheels of time.” 

JOHN: so, karkat, what’s your thing? 

KARKAT: BLOOD.  
KARKAT: SORRY TO DISAPPOINT BUT I DON’T HAVE A GRANDIOSE WHEEL ANALOGY. 

JOHN: blood?  
JOHN: uh...so what do you do with that?  
JOHN: we’re not going to murder people, are we? 

KARKAT: NO! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MURDER.  
KARKAT: IT’S ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

KARKAT: I CAN BEND THE BONDS THAT HOLD PEOPLE TOGETHER. I CAN BUILD RELATIONSHIPS ON NOTHING BUT A GLANCE OR CRUSH THEM BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF INSECURITY OR MISTRUST. 

JOHN: oh, heh.  
JOHN: so you’re kinda like cupid! 

KARKAT: I’M NOT A FUCKING THING LIKE CUPID.  
KARKAT: STOP GRINNING LIKE A MORON. I ASSURE YOU THAT WHATEVER YOU’RE THINKING IS COMPLETELY OFF THE POINT. 

JOHN: i don’t know, helping people form relationships sounds like a cupid thing to do. 

JADE: yeah it does!  


KARKAT: NO IT FUCKING DOES NOT! 

JADE: can you make people fall in love?? :o 

KARKAT: SO WHAT IF I CAN? 

DAVE: sorry dude but thats a pretty cupid thing to do 

KARKAT: I AM *NOTHING* LIKE CUPID!  
KARKAT: DO I LOOK LIKE A CHUBBY IMP WITH A SLING OF HEART TIPPED ARROWS HANGING OFF MY BACK?  
KARKAT: DO I HONESTLY LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO’D GO AROUND COERCING INNOCENT BYSTANDERS INTO HALF-BAKED ROMANCES??  
KARKAT: I’LL HAVE YOU ALL KNOW THAT RELATIONSHIPS, ROMANTIC OR OTHERWISE, ARE WAY MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT, AND I PRIDE MYSELF IN MY DEDICATION TO QUALITY!  
KARKAT: THIS SHIT IS SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS, NOT THE WORK OF INCONSIDERATE BABY ASSHOLES WHO COULDN’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT COMPATIBILITY OR LONG-TERM SUCCESS! 

DAVE: we never said you were a bad cupid 

KARKAT: I’M NOT ANY KIND OF CUPID! 

DAVE: okay but thats not the point  
DAVE: hell do i look like father time to you 

KARKAT: WHY WOULD YOU LOOK LIKE FATHER TIME? 

DAVE: because im the time guy  
DAVE: and that comparison would fly with me you know?  
DAVE: were trying to help a couple hapless mortals understand our shit  
DAVE: so what if they wanna think of you as cupid as long as it helps them out 

KARKAT: BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING *WRONG*! 

DAVE: okay well  
DAVE: we can iron out the details later  
DAVE: hey why dont we just change the subject and save ourselves a headache 

ROSE: Excellent idea, Dave.  
ROSE: Kanaya, an introduction to our agency, if you’d please. 

KANAYA: Right  
KANAYA: Obviously We Are A Law Office  
KANAYA: But Of A Particular Kind And With A Particular Clientele  
KANAYA: There Are A Lot Of Supernatural Beings Out There Who Break Supernatural Laws When They Deal With Humans  
KANAYA: Mostly Demons  
KANAYA: And We’re Here To Represent Mortal Interests So That Humans Arent Subjected To Unfair Abuse At The Hands Of Rogue Demons  
KANAYA: Or The Occasional Megalomaniacal Angel 

JADE: that sounds...kind of hard!  
JADE: what are our job descriptions? 

KANAYA: Uh Well  
KANAYA: Youre Both Acting As Field Agents Of Sorts 

JOHN: field agents? 

JADE: do law offices usually have field agents? 

ROSE: In case it hasn’t been made obvious, we’re not a typical law office.  
ROSE: There are no authoritative courts of law that regulate the transactions between mortals and supernatural beings.  
ROSE: Nor is there couple counseling for supernatural-human relationships.  
ROSE: What this means for us is that there are any number of human-demon or human-angel relationships in the world bound together by magical contracts that are essentially completely unregulated and that we are lacking in an organized judicial support system to help us enforce the laws that should apply to these relationships.  
ROSE: I am the only one here with the authority and power to nullify another’s contract, and the process is lengthy and difficult. The magic involved is ancient, primordial, from before the fissure that split Heaven and Hell between the cosmic siblings that now rule them. I only know of it because of my gift of sight as a demon of luck.  
ROSE: But some demon-human relationships in particular need immediate intervention. Toxic relationships often end in the premature death of the contracted mortal, and they can leave widespread devastation in their wake.  
ROSE: Your job as our field agents is to mediate high-risk relationships while I do my work. 

JOHN: uh...is it just me or does that sound really dangerous? 

KARKAT: IT’S REALLY DANGEROUS. 

DAVE: yeah its pretty shit work actually 

JADE: do you really think were the right people for this job? 

ROSE: I know you’re the right people for this job.  


JOHN: okay, but are you sure? 

ROSE: Yes. 

JOHN: reeeeaaally sure? 

ROSE: I have the confidence of Fortuna herself.  
ROSE: Consider this destiny. 

KANAYA: Dont Worry Shes Usually Right  
KANAYA: Ive Stopped Questioning Her About Things Like This 

JADE: well if you say so!  
JADE: i dont know john it could be fun  
JADE: it sounds more exciting than a boring desk job! 

JOHN: that’s true.  
JOHN: and if it gets to be too much we can just nullify our contracts and find a new job? 

KANAYA: Yes 

JOHN: well, okay! a job’s a job, right jade? 

JADE: yeah!! :D 

ROSE: I’m glad to hear it.  
ROSE: We already have your first assignment. And don’t worry, it’s fairly tame.  
ROSE: The client is Meulin Leijon. She and her demon, Kurloz, have differing opinions about their contract.  
ROSE: A recent accident left Ms. Leijon deaf. Kurloz, as a demon of rage, was directly responsible for this accident, and his remorse is compelling him to break the contract. Ms. Leijon does not want this to happen.  
ROSE: Your job is to sway one or the other towards a compromise that will help them reach a decision. I trust you to make the right choice for them after you get to know them.  


JOHN: oh, is that all? that doesn’t sound too bad. 

JADE: yeah i think we can manage that  
JADE: especially with cupid on our side! 

KARKAT: I DON’T HAVE TO USE MY MAGIC IF YOU PISS ME OFF, YOU KNOW. 

JADE: haha! i was just teasing :P 

KARKAT: YEAH, WELL...  
KARKAT: STOP. 

ROSE: I imagine you’ll do fine.  
ROSE: But before you get ahead of yourself, you should probably brush up on your ASL.  
ROSE: Aside from Ms. Leijon’s deafness, Kurloz has also rendered himself unable to speak in penitence for his mistake.  


JOHN: uh, i don’t think we know ASL. do you know any ASL, jade? 

JADE: no... 

KARKAT: I DON’T EITHER. 

DAVE: damn it do i have to do everything around here 

KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL, SINCE WHEN DID YOU KNOW ASL? 

DAVE: i dont 

ROSE: This would be a good opportunity to learn, then. 

JOHN: you got it!  
JOHN: looks like we’re going to have to have a study session tonight! 

JADE: yay! ill cover the pizza this time! :D 

ROSE: You’re dismissed. Also, I hope you don’t mind that Dave and Karkat will be moving in with you from now on.  


JOHN: oh, uh...  
JOHN: i don’t know if we have room for two more roommates... 

DAVE: dude were magic  
DAVE: you wont even know were there 

JADE: even with karkat shouting? 

KARKAT: I DON’T *SHOUT*.  
KARKAT: THIS IS MY NORMAL VOLUME. 

JOHN: oh god. 

KANAYA: Have Fun And If You Need Anything Don’t Hesitate To Call 


End file.
